Cancer still impacts my life.
It has been 6 almost 7 years that I have been cancer free. However, there are days that I feel like I’m still in the midst of treatments. Times when my heart hurts and I am reminded that Cancer is horrible.
One of those times was last night. It was a typical Sunday, Jman worked late, then watched the football game, then was frustrated because his team lost. I knew I had something to get his mind off of football and since he growled at my first suggestion of Little Mermaid, I started searching one of our streaming services. I was hoping to try out one of the new shows that had premiered a few weeks ago that we had missed. I landed on a medical drama. As we watched the main character changing lives and excited to help patients I found myself enjoying the show. Until they played the cancer card. I became angry because that’s how watered down cancer has become, it’s a trope in a medical drama, glamorized and something that is a titular point on a tv show.
We watched the second episode and my anger turned to tears of sadness for the characters struggles and other patients. I finished the episode and had a headache from crying. Last night my cancer experience made me decide against a tv show.
I knew today’s blog would be about Cancer because later today I am going to a cancer warrior’s memorial.
Cancer still impacts my life. I have made friends and loss friends. It’s hard to go to friends memorials and walk away and not think Why me? Why was I spared?
Since my cancer diagnosis, I have known at least 10 people who have been diagnosed with cancer. Some at Church, Some at work. Every time my heart aches. I’ve lost friends and family to this horrible disease. It’s always hard.
I have scars.
I still visit my oncologist every year, and before the appointment, I have the fear that this will be the appointment that something bad happens.
Last week I had a minor panic attack about changing insurance because every time I meet a new oncologist they have to know all the facts and I feel drained and sad. We are not changing insurance but in my mind, the idea of meeting a new doctor tilted my perspective.
In all the bad there are positives.
Family time is important. Since I had cancer, I make time for my family. Going on vacation to visit them is more important than work.
Life is precious and short. Grudges don’t matter. Forgiveness is a gift, gratefulness is the only option.
I can overcome. Overcome is always a word that I associated with Christ, however, I now know how much I can overcome. Moving, being poor, wanting to be parents but having to wait, I can overcome.
I am strong. I am strong, even when I feel weak and silly about Tv shows making me cry. I am strong. My strength is beautiful and empowering. I see it when someone else is diagnosed and I am reaching out to be a support.
Nothing is as bad as chemo. Chemotherapy is horrible, it makes the body feel sick and weak. Nothing is as bad as chemo.
I am brave. I am brave enough to try new things like cheesecake. Or to go up on the high tower with my dad to see Vegas from the top. I am brave in stepping out in faith to go back to school. I am brave when I share my story.
Jman didn’t abandon me. My struggles are Jman’s struggles and when I decide not to watch a show he is okay with that.
Makeup can be a great tool when I am feeling a little exposed.
I don’t play the cancer card to get things in my favor. I never use the cancer card, I sure I can but I don’t because Cancer doesn’t define who I am. It may impact a lot of my life but it doesn’t change who I am and what I believe.
God is faithful. He answers prayers. He heals. And Sometimes the healing is through death. He still is walking beside me and guiding my life. He didn’t abandon me. He loves me. He knows how many tears I will cry, especially at the memorial later today. God knows how much I need him and how my life is impacted by my faith.
Yes, Cancer still impacts my life but so do people, God, music and so many other things. I know I need to take those days when I feel exposed and the world seems to swallow me up. But I also can choose to live in prayer, change the channel, listen to positive music. Take each moment as it comes. Breathe. Smile. Say Thank you. And count my blessings. I choose to keep moving forward and yes my book has a cancer chapter but its only one chapter.
How are you this Monday???
then you will find your joy in the Lord,
and I will cause you to ride in triumph on the heights of the land
and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob.”
For the mouth of the Lord has spoken.
TTFN and God Bless You and Keep You.