Today was one of those mornings

Today was one of those mornings.

 

Today was a morning when anxiety prevented me from sleeping. I woke up at 622. I have nowhere to go until 330 today. It one of those mornings that sleep evades and I can list a whole bunch of reasons. 1. I have a very important orientation later today. 2. Rent is due in a few days and I love my job but not working the normal hours but a limited amount is hard to figure out rent.

 

I have decided to go back to school and get my credential in Special Education and today is an orientation for one of the programs I’m considering. It’s only an hour. It has caused me anxiety all week!!! Along with other things such as meetings. This was a long week!!! This morning it seemed to culminate to not sleeping in this morning.

 

My brain is saying this is good you are fighting for your future and paving the way to be able to have a family that you so desire.

My heart is saying its strangers. It’s going back to school. Which I always swore I would never do. It’s finding parking and finding the room. It’s making phone calls and disrupting our status quo so much. I’m a cancer survivor, I shouldn’t have to fight so much in my life.  My heart is always the bad guy 😦

 

How do I cope on mornings like this?

1. I turn on all the lights in the house. My brain doesn’t respond well to the dark and scary things. So I scare all the shadows away.
2. I turn on music to scare away the panic monster. Today it’s Christian music, some days its just background noise to make the quiet go away. Today it’s positive and a reminder that God has not forsaken me and is standing next to me.  Even Guiding which music comes out of my phone.
3. I take a shower.
4. Pull up my hair.
5. I make my favorite tea (or a cup of a tea) Todays it’s Smiths Lord Bergmont. 4 cubes of sugar and some milk. I take my tea very English. Of course, it’s in my Oceanside cup my mother gave me, with the mermaid that reminds me of Ariel.

      6. I text my husband and share what’s on my heart.

7.  I will read some of my favorite verses. Usually James 1:2-4, Matthew 6:34. James 1:2-4 mentioned gaining strength in trials and how God is using that to mature you. And Matthew is 6:34 is about not borrowing trouble for tomorrow with worrying.
8.  If it’s really a bad day, I’ll send out a prayer chain. It’s usually for my family, Jman’s parents and I have some very safe friends that I know will pray for me.

 

Today, however, I decided instead of hiding my anxiety. I would write about it.  I would write about the mundane things I do to help me cope when I don’t feel like l can face the day.  I would make note that these things are a struggle with and I have since I first got my diagnosis of cancer.  Most of the time once I get through those mundane things I can function somewhat.

The anxiety doesn’t go away however it’s not my focus.  My focus shifts to God and the blessings of God. Even right now as I’m writing this, one of my favorite songs by Mandisa “Stronger” is floating through the airwaves. God knew I hear this song this morning.  I often need to take stock of the blessings I have.

1. We will be able to pay rent!!!

2. My oceanside cup was clean

3. My hubby does dish every evening( I don’t like doing dishes)

4. We were able to have a restful evening last night playing video games together (Jurassic World Evolution isn’t a restful game at times but Jman helps me play)

5. I have the freedom to go back to school.

6. I have a job. Jman has a job.

7. We have friends and family that if I need prayers I can reach out to them.

8. Spotify is a thing.

9. in the grand scheme of things this orientation I’m going to today is only an hour.

10. God loves me especially on my bad days or anxiety filled mornings.

11. Mandisa wrote the song “Stronger”

 

How are you feeling this morning? Is it a good day? An Anxiety morning? A bad day?

 

Matthew 6:34 34 “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

 

James 1:2-42 Dear brothers and sisters,[a] when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. 3 For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. 4 So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.

 

TTFN and God Bless You and Keep You.