Peace amidst the Chaos
This weekend my hubby, mom, and dad and I attended the 49ers championship game, and it was fun. However, there were moments during the loud cheering of the crowd that I felt peace. It is peculiar because I would define this moment as pure chaos. The crowd was waving little flags and screaming. The players on the field colliding into each other to prevent movement of the football and fog horns going off to denote a touchdown.
However, amidst the noise, I felt a small sliver of peace. As I observed the crowd, I felt relieved that I did not have to rush home to a little one, or even that I had a little one with me to observe the rowdiness of the crowd. This journey to become parents is different than other, and last week I had a week of feeling sad and wallowing in aloneness and self-pity, jump forward to the football game, and I was glad I didn’t have children.
I remember different moments of peace during very chaotic moments or exciting moments.
One such moment was eight years ago, and I had just got my diagnosis for Hodgkins. I remember sitting in my church parking lot around sunset and thinking to myself this might be the last sunset I observe or at least one of them. All of a sudden, the nervousness, fear, and anxiety dissipated, and I could see a beautiful sunset.
I also find peace on a beach. The stark contrast of the loud waves, and sometimes crowd and wind, is so lively that my thoughts I have been fixating on leave in an instant, and I get to ruminate on other such things. Like how did God know how much salt to put in the ocean, why did that fandom end the way it did, and as the cobwebs of anxiety are cleared, I can come up to decision about the critical decisions.
I am reminded of the story in the bible when the disciples were are on the ship, and Jesus was sleeping during the storm. The disciples were panicking, and Jesus awoke and chastised them about being nervous. He then goes on to say that he would keep them safe. He then calms the storm. I think those moments of fear and anxiety sometimes just having something louder than your concerns and thoughts is helpful.
I relish those moments of peace because they do two things. One, they show me that right now, my life may seem chaotic, but there are two sides to every coin. And just like at the game it was nice to experience the moment with out worrying about a little one, I needed that moment. But also they give me the perspective I need to get through my struggle and breathe.
Jesus Calms the Storm
23 Then he got into the boat, and his disciples followed him. 24 Suddenly a furious storm came up on the lake so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. 25 The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!”
26 He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.
27 The men were amazed and asked, “What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!”
TTFN and God Bless and Keep You:)