I value honesty. However, I often find myself when I am writing this blog struggle with how much I want to share. Some of it private, but when I am struggling most, I feel like that when I put up a front and talk about something to get my brain off the struggle. Like today I have things I’m mulling over in my mind.
I think that if I’m honest with you, which means that I honest with myself and it shatters my world of being able to handle everything. That if I crack, I will break. People will then move away from me because suddenly, I am one of those troubled individuals. You know the type. The ones that come into McDonald’s and are hoping to buy food, but their clothes are, and they are mumbling to themselves. I usually avoid eye contact and pull my purse closer.
If I am honest with you, my readers, and supporters, that means I need to be honest with myself.
Lately, I have been thinking about children and how my treatments for Cancer were almost the same amount of time it takes for a baby to form. I quit work for 10 months to fight Cancer. It was 10 months of focusing on getting better. I have been Cancer free for 8 years; I am affected by every day.
I am afraid of lizards and alligators. I get claustrophobic. I didn’t realize this until after cancer treatments. I think all the tests involving CT scans added to this. I always struggle with making decisions. I am an English major because I love reading, characters, writing. I am horrible at grammar. Commas and periods will be the bane of my existence. I am also terrible at math. I can do fractions, though. I over analyze everything. I pick at my fingers when I am nervous til the point when they bleed. I don’t like to be yelled at. I sometimes think that I have unique needs because of the way my brain works.
I need to be kinder to myself. I need to cut myself a break when I struggle with fandom or with what someone says something not so lovely. I need to forgive myself for the mistakes I made. I need to acknowledge that sometimes I am tired and that it’s okay to nap. And by taking a nap does not mean my Cancer has come back. I need to be honest with myself. I am loved, I am a good friend. If I pull away from that because I’m struggling, it’s not because you did something. I need to remember these things. God Loves me, my family loves me.
Right now, I feel like I’m walking through a dark valley, but that doesn’t. Since Easter, I have been struggling with not having kids, Mother’s day was tough. And instead of climbing out of the valley I would prefer to just keep walking in the dark. Even though I am kinda scared of the dark. Because change is hard for me, also if I am making the change, my plan z brain over analyzes everything and then I become stuck.
So as I work on being honest with myself, my hope is that when I need to talk about struggles. I will be less afraid.
Romans 15:5-6 NLT
May God, who gives this patience and encouragement, help you live in complete harmony with each other, as is fitting for followers of Christ Jesus. Then all of you can join together with one voice, giving praise and glory to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.
TTFN and God Bless You:)
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