Worst case scenarios
I am one of those people who automatically jump to worst case scenarios. If Jman comes home late from work, and forget to tell me that he was running late, I assume the worst has happened.
It’s not something I am proud of, but that just where my brain goes. The only time I didn’t expect the worst was when I was diagnosed with cancer. I know here is another blog about cancer, but it’s May. And much like September, I always feel more competitive about my cancer story.
In August 2011, I went to the doctor for a high fever and pneumonia. THinking I had a bad viral infection, my doctor listened to my lungs and ordered a chest x-ray. I then had to see a thoracic surgeon because there was a mass in my chest. I remember going over to Jman’s dad house and smiling and laughing, but it was a facade. I didn’t want to break. I didn’t know what it was and was waiting for more information.
It was really a godsend how quickly I got tests taken. I remember the day I was supposed to get my diagnosis. My doctor had laid out five possibilities. All of them not very good, but we were hoping for the one that seemed the least scary. It was terrifying. It was cancer. Suddenly all my worst case scenarios came true. Jman and I walked out of the doctor, feeling scared, frustrated, sad, and unsure.
I remember my aunt had come to visit, the same week, My mom shared with her the news and my aunt was super supportive. Everyone was super supportive of people at my church to my boss at work.
I remember one time during treatments, I told Jman that if the worst case scenario happens and I didn’t get better. Who would support you at the memorial service? I only talked to Jman about this, Because telling people that you planned some elements of your own memorial service during cancer treatments is very scary. It makes every worst-case scenario that your brain has trapped you in, feel real, and when you are in a survival situation, it’s easier not to even go there.
I told Jman, I don’t want people to wear black, everyone should wear purple. I also struggled with who would be Jman’s support, if something did go wrong. Who hold sit next to him and make sure he was okay. I realized it probably would be his friends. Jman has a complicated relationship with his brothers, but he has friends that are closer than brothers.
Thankfully this did not happen, and today I am cancer free. Today, I still have worst case scenarios, and they are usually ridiculous. Like there is a hole in the ceiling, which means there xenomorphs in the ceilings. If someone is late meeting me for coffee, they had car trouble or ended up in a ditch. During those moments when I feel panic start to rise up, I just pray. I breathe. I hope to God my worst-case scenario doesn’t come true.
For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love.
TTFN and God bless and Keep you