Confessions

A confession

 

I have a confession. I have very hard days, I know everyone has them. However, some days it’s just hard to be content.

 

Since fall 2016, My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant and it hasn’t happened yet.

Throughout this journey, there have been days when the ache overwhelms and the wants to make me feel like crying. Then the isolation, loneliness and comparing strangle out any positive thoughts I have.

 

At the beginning of our Journey through wanting to be parents but learning to be patient. I didn’t want to tell anyone. I believe what shared between a husband and wife is not for the whole world to share. So we didn’t tell anyone we were trying because we didn’t want to face the disappointment if it didn’t happen. Then I would suffer the day feeling alone. Once we started telling a few people we were overcome with support.

 

Being a cancer survivor I thought my treatments were causing our problem, there were nights that I agonized as I played the what if games. As a year came and went, I remember waking up on those bad days thinking I’m tired of playing this game.  So I made a doctors appointment. It was not cancer which was a huge weight lifted but that we don’t know what is blocking this dream.

 

I can’t describe the ache my heart feels.  I long for the day when I can hold a child of mine in my arms. To finally join the mommy club. To be able to love on a child that is mine.

 

Jman and I have decided that if we can’t have a child naturally we would adopt.  Which makes my childhood heart sing. For years it was a dream of mine to adopt. We have just started down a long road but I want to share some things I’ve learned.

 

I am too hard on myself. Not being pregnant or a mom does not make me a failure.  God does not see me as a failure.

 

Prayer is powerful but when I’m too drained to pray, I rely on the prayers of others. Jman and I have religiously written prayer request on our church’s communication cards. Prayers for endurance, strength, wisdom, and patience. Probably the hardest of these is patience. Patience for God’s timing. Keep constant vigil until God deems it the correct time to make this dream a reality.

 

I am not alone in this journey. There are others who want this for us. Others who feel the same pains we do. In June I was able to visit my family. This lead to beautiful God ordained conversations. My mom  confided that she is wishing to be a grandmother and love on them just like I wish to. It was this beautiful moment where we were not afraid to share what on our hearts, and through our tears we supported each other.

 

Wandering through a dark valley is hard. It is filled with waiting, trusting and praying. The darkness surrounds. However, like fireflies, there are moments of light if you keep your focus on God.  Those moments for me have been a dear friend whom I can share and who will pray for me on the hard days. A wonderful woman whom I work with who wants us to have children and prays for us unceasingly. Sometimes even serving in the church nursery soothes the aching heart.

 

Being content is hard.

But it’s also a choice. Jman and I choose to walk together through this. We choose to make our decisions and stand by them.  We choose to go on dates and continue to pour into each other. If we are never parents. Jman and I will still walk this journey together open to whatever God brings our way.

 

God knows my pain. He collects my tears. He knows the whole plan and knows if and when we become parents it will be his perfect timing.

 

Through the dark, and troubles and ache, I will continue to sing “It is well with my soul.”

 

“I will praise you as long as I live. I will lift up my hands when I pray to you.”

‭‭Psalm‬ ‭63:4‬ ‭NIRV‬‬

 

What is your dark valley? Do you ache for something that seems so far away that the only way to receive it through God?

 

TTFN and God Bless you and Keep you.