It’s October 2011, and in a few days, I will be starting chemo. I’m scared and don’t feel sick. However, I have a mass in my mediastinum that my doctor found when I went in for pneumonia. This was in August. The past month has been filled with fear and doctor visits. Tests, procedures, and just blatant fear that was debilitating. And today on my list is a haircut. I was advised by my nurse to cut my hair short to prevent hair loss. It will be short for the next 6 months. 6 months of chemo. I was slated for 12 cycles of chemo and these would be every other week.
Before any of that would happen, was the haircut.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
As I watched the stylist and looked over to my mom who was also getting her haircut. I fought back the tears. The tears of feeling not in control, the tears of fear and finally acceptance for the path I would be walking in the upcoming six months.
The stylist mentioned how I was cutting off my hair, and I avoided looking into her eyes. My mom smiled at me from across the aisle and continued chatting with her stylist.
I went back to get my haircut a few years after cancer and I had Deja vu. I felt my heart beating quickly. Emotions rushed forward and I was I back in the chair again cutting off my locks to beat cancer.
It’s funny how the body responds to stress. For a while, the smell of rubbing would turn my stomach. How an airplane can make me feel like I’m in CT scan. Haircut chair is the same, I would stare in the mirror and feel like my life was spiraling out of control with each lock of hair falling to the ground.
When my life was felt out of control, I had to anchor my life in prayer. Prayer before bed. Prayer in the morning. Prayer in the middle of the day when a headache grabbed me. Even prayer when I would fly in an airplane. Prayer was the only to ward off the fear and sinking feeling that my world was spiraling out of control.
Reading your Bible is important to hear what God wants to tell us. But Prayer is the way to tell God what is bothering you. Remember God wants a two-way relationship with us and prayer is the way we communicate with God.
Prayer is helpful. It’s calming. It’s the only thing that helps me get through headaches, anxiety attacks and finally haircuts. Prayer is powerful but nothing to be taken lightly. When I tell someone I am going to pray for you. I try to. Prayer is powerful too. One of the main reason I’m here today is that I had people praying for me all around the planet.
After 6 years, I recently went to the hair salon to cut my hair. It was liberating because I did not have fear or Deja vu. I was able to sit in the chair without fear and enjoy the process of cutting my hair without fear of the future. For the first time in a long time, I felt peace about what the future held, or at least until my hair grew back 🙂
At all times, pray by the power of the Spirit. Pray all kinds of prayers. Be watchful, so that you can pray. Always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people. 19 Pray also for me. Pray that whenever I speak, the right words will be given to me. Then I can be bold as I tell the mystery of the good news. 20 Because of the good news, I am being held by chains as the Lord’s messenger. So pray that I will be bold as I preach the good news. That’s what I should do.
Do you need prayers? Let me know and I’ll start praying for you.
TTFN and God Bless you and Keep you.