When Rejoicing is hard

When Rejoicing is hard

Good Morning, we all know the old saying. This is the day that Lord has made rejoice and be glad in it. This Morning I am struggling with Rejoicing. I had a dream in which Jman and I adopted a baby. I have had this dream before, the gender of the child changes. The scene changes either we are at the hospital with a newborn biological baby, or like this Morning’s dream, it was an adopted baby. These dreams always wake me feeling sad that we are not there. They are almost worst than Nightmares because we are so happy in these dreams, then I wake up. The remnants of the dream linger. 

My heart aches, and I am sad. 

Today Rejoicing is hard. I know I have a lot of things to be thankful for. But today will be one of those days when I smile even though my heart hurts.

I’m sure we all had days when rejoicing is hard. How I manage today. I take it moment by moment. I took a shower, got ready for the day, now I am writing a blog. I read one of my favorite chapters in the Bible. I don’t know why I like James 1, but I do. I like the reminders about trials and that trials create maturity. I clung to the verses about anger. I will eat breakfast, teach a class, and write fanfictions later. Maybe I’ll watch a movie after work. 

These are my coping techniques. Taking it moment by moment, having a light plan makes me analyze and experience my sadness without a plan. My day will be planned, yes, but there will moments of reflection. 

Dreams like this Morning’s make me feel insignificant, forgotten, and unloved at times. It makes me question my faith and get angry at the world and God’s timing. 

However, walking away from God is scarier than not being parents. It unwrapping my entire belief system and forcing a chance to be in charge of my life. 

Chance being in charge is a scary prospect. It means that there is no reason for anything. Jman’s galactosemia is just some cruel fact, instead of making him an easygoing person whose faith is unshakeable. Me beating cancer was only based on the medicine I was given instead of the hundreds of people praying. Even my sister, who she is boiled down to a medical fluke instead of a God given blessing she is. Chance allows my anxiety instead of being a trial, just something I struggle with, and no reprieve.  

God gives us trials, but he also sends blessings. This blog helps me sort out my feelings; Xmen Evolution creates a space for me to breathe. Work will provide an area not to focus on the sadness. I will smile, I will pray, write, and today will be challenging, but God will help me through it. 

What do you do when Rejoicing is hard?

James 1:18

18 He chose to give birth to us by giving us his true word. And we, out of all creation, became his prized possession.[a]                                                             

TTFN and God Bless and Keep You.

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