Being in this moment
Good Morning friend, how are you today? I am okay. I have an anxiety storm brewing on the horizon. I got up at 545 after an unsettling dream about an upcoming event and that everything will go wrong. It was troubling enough that I didn’t want to go back to sleep after waking from it.
Around 8, I reached out to my prayer warriors to pray for me as I starred down the storm. However, peace doesn’t always descend with the words of encouragement. We drove and got breakfast, and I heard two songs that I love, but they deal with being real. As I was kicking myself for seeming weak, God sent those country songs to remind me that the world will not end if I reach out for help.
This is interesting that this happened today. Because I was going to share about my main goal for 2020 was being present.
In 2019. I spent the entire year wishing I was somewhere else. I struggled in my job, schooling didn’t happen and thinking that moving away would solve all my problems. However, this dreaming doesn’t excuse the anxiety I have of putting all the things I own into a box and finding a new place. Or the inability to save for a rainy day didn’t help because we were depleting our reserves. And I wrestled with God. I prayed I challenged, I cried. I basically wished away my year. And it was hard. God shut some doors that I had thought they would be opened. Then I mourned those closed doors. I wanted an easy fix.
I should know that God doesn’t work like that.
So I resolved myself for 2020 to work on being content and present. We are in the first week of February and let me share what God has done so far.
My family came up the first week of January, it was a blessed time full of love, laughter.
Then the 49ers went to the playoffs. I know what you are saying. Danie, you don’t like football. I don’t, but Jman does. The 49ers are his team. And my dad offered to take us to the 49ers game, and I heard God’s voice say, Danie, you are learning to be content, So Go to the game and spend time with your family. Be there for your husband. So I went to 2 football games, and the 49ers won both. As I sat in that busy stadium, I watched my family members rejoice and scream loudly. I realized that this wasn’t just a dream achievement unlocked or a bucket list cross off. For Jman, this is something that has stayed constant throughout a tumultuous childhood. And it was a safe place to get angry at the world when said to be strong, don’t complain, suck it up.
Work started again, and there was a moment when friends reached out to having horrible weeks, and I was able to be there for them and support them.
Then last weekend, I was invited to a Woman’s retreat. It was a free trip. I know I wrote about it in another blog. But during that time of rest. God knew that I needed to be there. He even gave me a cold so I could experience being broken only to rebuild and shed the names I had assigned myself. I am bought and sought by the heavenly father and redeemed by Jesus’s blood.
The cold I caught made me miss two days at work, and when I returned, I could sense that people were upset with me that I missed a few days of work.
However, there was a moment when one of the parents confessed having a hard time, and all I could do was hug this woman and pray for her but also give thanks to that God lets me be his hands so often.
Then this morning, I am staring down an anxiety storm. However, there are so many things that I am grateful for. 1. Yesterday was the world cancer day, and I didn’t realize till later in the day. I made it through without feeling the loss or sadness I have felt in the past. I also avoided the guilt that I feel creeping that I missed this day. Although I said this before, I don’t need a day to celebrate being a cancer survivor. I rejoice that every day. 2. My husband said I have the warmest heart of someone he knows. 3. Even when life gets crazy, fandom is still my space to breathe. 4. I have at least 12 people who are praying for me today. 5. I am going to do laundry today, even if I hate the process of washing. I will have clean clothes afterward.
So here I am at the moment. I am listening to my Strength playlist, and I am staring down an anxiety storm, but I am okay. The ceiling did not crash in because I admitted I am human. This is where God wants me, and I am going to learn to content. Just like the verse board says in my living room. I will walk by faith even though I can not see. I will put one foot in front of the other and walk by faith.
I will walk by faith, and I will dwell at this moment. Regardless if it is a wrong moment. I will not run or hide. I will be content because God is Sovereign.
2 Corinthians 5:7 New Living Translation (NLT)
7 For we live by believing and not by seeing.
TTFN and God Bless and Keep you.