Life is moments.
The other day in the poetry class I teach, I shared one of my poems I wrote. I was unsure of how this poem would be perceived because the subject matter was a little heavy. I’ve included it in this blog so that you can read it.
Some days I’m attuned to the weather.
Tears reflects the raindrops
Smiles reflects the sun rays
Wonder reflects rainbows.
Some days my anger is all I feel.
It clouds and crowds out my happiness
It discolors my world
Its fangs cause my heart, my head, and my soul to ache.
Some days I feel lost, drifting with no anchor or life jacket.
Too scared to continue swimming
Too tired to keep shouting
Too alone to find any help.
Some days I feel sad.
Overcome with frustration that strangles
Overcome with loss and what-ifs
Overcome with the grace that would save me
Some days I feel panicked
Something small lost into the blackness of my mind
Something huge too scared to let it go. Will I miss it more?
Something broken, no way to fix it.
Some day’s happiness colors my days.
Pushes my loneliness, anger and fears away.
Reminds me how much it is worth to live
Everything seems vibrant
Some day’s loneliness is all I can feel
No one has checked in
No one cares
No one knows my sorrows
Some day’s normalness is my lifeline
Flying on autopilot is the only way of survival
Getting lost in fictional worlds provides space to breath
Just breathing reminds me I haven’t stopped surviving.
This poem I wrote while I am going through cancer treatments, and spent 9 months living moment by moment and jumping back to the class. One of my students latched on to the word surviving.
This poem was me trying to make sense that of the world and how just surviving became my only goal for that year. Basic things like eating and sleeping were crucial — even breathing required to focus at times, especially before a doctor’s appointment. Life consisted of not being able to plan out more than a few hours at a time, and even then, if I didn’t feel like doing anything, it was okay.
Sometimes I need to be gentler on myself. I get frustrated when I am tired earlier. I get mad when I feel sad and am struggling. I over-analyze a conversation, and that makes me nervous. I need to forgive myself. I am who I am because God created me this way, and he gave me the experiences that shaped me this way.
If there are days that I’m sad, it’s okay. I am overanalyzing everything I need to remember to breathe. The poem above was written during cancer; however, there are still things that ring true in my life almost nine years later. I always feel all these emotions, and I still get surprised when I’ve had five days where I feel sad, then wake up today and feel happy again.
My life is so much more than surviving; however, the things I’ve learned in the times of survival are more important.
To observe the world and take pleasure in things such as leaves changing. To enjoy life and notices things that make me happy and bring my heart joy.
Little things such as I am not alone. There are other Christians and cancer survivors who know what I am going through. Prayer is the best way to combat sadness.
Life moves on, moment to moment, and changes in seconds.
Merry Christmas friends, and I hope you are doing well.
Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel.
TTFN and God Bless and Keep you.