Back at Square 1

Back at square one

Do you ever feel like Life is two steps forward and 1 step back? Sometimes I think Life is just learning to bob and weave. We have a crazy couple of weeks. My Parents visited last week, and for a little while, Life felt normal again. Then they went home, and the familiar ache of sadness descended. I am super blessed how close I am to my parents and how well they get along with Jman. However, it makes it very hard to live 8 hours away from them.

One of our cars went down last week, so once again we were forced to make a decision about how to get to work. This has happened 4 times in our marriage. We have been blessed with generous people who had given us cars when we needed it. But it doesn’t change the panic and schedule changes when suddenly forced to figure out how to get to work. Jman and I work very different jobs and have very different hours. So being a one car family can get a little tricky.

Then the mother’s day was yesterday. And Like many people, mother’s day is a hard holiday. For myself, I’m not mourning the loss of my mother or my husband’s mother but the loss of not being a mother. I mourn children that I don’t have, I wish the list of names that have lived on my phone for years were actual people rather than just words on a screen. And with this ache comes the questioning. Questioning if I am being punished, wondering if this what God wants for me, and sometimes questioning God’s will.

On Friday, I wrote fanfiction, and now I have the familiar inkling that writers get. What is going to happen next? How can I write this story and allow for this story to be good and complete. I also have other things that I need to do. Research things and go to work. I’m not a teenager that has an abundance of time, I am an adult, and this fanfiction will be completed, but there are other priorities.

When things get stressful. I have to remember to forgive myself. Forgive me for feeling grumpy. Forgive me for being stressed and not sleeping well. Forgive me for losing faith and finally forgive myself for being too hard on myself.

Life sometimes is taking two steps forward and sometimes 3 steps back and with challenges makes us grow. They help us mature and become more whole. This is the way that God designed it, and yes sometimes I get frustrated and stressed. But I also know that God provides, he knows my heart and that someday those wants will be granted. It is about being patient and entirely relying on God even during bad times. 

1 Peter 1:6-8
6 So be truly glad.[b] There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you must endure many trials for a little while. 7 These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.

TTFN and God BLess and Keep You

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