Bonus Blog: Early Morning musings.
Today is one of those mornings since I got cancer when sleep is replaced with thoughts in my head. Songs rolled around with decisions and robbed me of my sleep. These mornings and I are old friends. Some of these mornings are filled with panic, some fear, and some anger, there have been a few mornings that feel sadness. Today its decisions. Minor decisions such as should we skip our meal box next week, and huge decisions. I usually never wake up Jman because two of us don’t need to sleep.
Mornings used to be my favorite time of the day, but since cancer, it has been a time of day I dreaded. It would be the time when I felt the worst. All my thoughts and fears bottled up overnight and attacked during the morning. Sleeplessness and going to work and being a positive and encouraging person would make me angry about the mornings. Now there are some few things that I’ve to add to my routine in the morning to help it be a little better. Reading my Bible and even just spending a few minutes in prayer help. But then there are some different things in my morning too.
I often wake up with a song stuck in head. It’s a nagging, and when I have a song stuck in my head, I can’t think of anything until I listen to that song again. This morning was no exception. I heard that song and was able to move on. My brain works so weirdly sometimes.
Mornings are usually when my brain has to take on every single problem of the day. There are days when I wish I weren’t so analytical and worst case scenario. It’s a superpower like my spidey sense, it causes me not to sleep well, and there are often days I wish I could turn them both off. But I can’t. So I ride the analytical roller coaster taking decisions and thoughts and analyze them until not only do I have a plan b but a plan w and z as well. I don’t know when my brain started to make plans and became so analyzing. I have always attributed it to having a younger sister with special needs and having to help Sis understand the world.
Getting up early, is something that I am so used to, that last time I was visiting my family. I got up before everyone else, and Papa Bear asked me why did I get up so early. Because I couldn’t sleep any more was my simple answer. The voice in my head was so loud that created sleep to evade.
Here is another reason I got up so early. I had to take a month off of school, because of a paperwork issue. Now I have wrestled with my self about how nice March has been to have no homework or deadlines. And today when it might be that I need to take April off as well. The words floating through my head this morning is self-sabotage. I am self-sabotaging myself because I don’t like being in school. My job is busy; however, I don’t make a lot. Even this morning, I thank God that we got rent paid already. All March I have heard the voice in my head tell me that you can do all these things without going back to school. The only way Jman and I could dust off some of these dreams that seem so far away is for myself to break the cycle. And Going back to school was my solution. I have wrestled with the idea is this something I want. Is this God’s plan? Or a half baked Danie plan. Am I Smart enough? Subjecting myself to be criticized every assignment because I can’t write or I can’t spell, or I can’t use APA is probably on my worst fears list right up there with falling off a mountain and alligators.
Today is one of those mornings when my self-doubt voice is so loud, that my coping mechanism is always blogging and turning up music to drown out my thoughts. I’ve stuck in a rock an hard place. I know I dislike school because it shakes my shaky, but I know this is the only way to make a change.
It comes down to my trust of God and his plan. Sometimes trusting God is easy and sometimes its a lot harder. Every step is painful, but God’s plan is always the best. And sometimes it is doing hard things. Like going back to school, I may not like it and have a hard time being criticized every single assignment, but it will help me grow.
He is so rich in kindness and grace that he purchased our freedom with the blood of his Son and forgave our sins.
TTFN and God Bless You and Keep you.