Reflections on the past 2 years.
Today I’m struggling with words.
Which hasn’t happened before when it comes to writing this blog. Usually, my blogs are what God has put on my heart to write.
Today God put it on my heart to talk about my journey since Jman and I started trying to conceive and I wish this was an easy path for us. However it hasn’t been, there are a lot more valleys then mountain peaks and the stars I’ve looked to since I was a child seem to be gone.
Often I can spin a story and look for positives but with this blog, I’m still in the valley and it’s hard to reflect on the last two years.
And there are moments when God seems silent.
It’s been almost 2 years since we have been stepping forward and asking God to make us parents, and it hasn’t happened yet. Although through it all I haven’t lost faith that it won’t happen.
Jman and I kinda made this year a year devoted to praying and trusting God and listening but often I feel the conversation between God and I is one-sided. I feel like I’m pleading and God is just listening and when I get upset he is just holding on to me. But there is no response from God. He answers other questions and opens other doors. But for Jman and I to be parents God is silent.
I keep asking and keep trusting God.
There are moments of complete sadness. They tug at my heart and the tears come on so fast that I can’t stop them. It is moments when I see other families and I know we are not there yet and I wish with all of my heart that I can experience that feeling of a hug or love of a child. It makes me feel isolated because my family is so different.
I know God is still ordaining my path.
There are moments of darkness. When comparison steals my joy and darkness surrounds. It those moments of darkness when I almost lose faith, when I try to bargain with God about haven’t we have enough trials and tribulations. Then I am reminded of James 1:2-4.
I know God give trials and tribulations to strengthen and mature and continue growth.
There are moments when we come to a crest of a hill. We can see the stars again. A lovely woman at church says they are praying for you and your future children. When Jman and I can do something and a comforting voice overwhelms and says you are still a family even if you don’t have kids. You and your husband are so blessed.
I know God needs me to pour into my husband and not focus on a future.
There are moments I’m thankful for where I work and I can pour into my students and that it’s a place with very few young married families. I work with adults with special needs and all our population. They all walk such a different path than normal people.
I know God needs me in this place.
Some moments of friendship. We have friends who stand with us on this journey. They check in and they pray and rejoice for us. We make new friends of newly married couples and old friends and they are happy to meet us and know us. And we are important and the fact that we don’t have kids isn’t important to them or our relationship doesn’t change.
I know God is listening to my prayers about feeling isolated.
Then there are moments when the stars are so bright and the moon comes up and I feel God’s presence. He is guiding my breaths and it’s beautiful. God provides blessings and compassionate people. He strengthens me and when I step out on faith he catches me.
I know God is still ordaining my path.
There are moments of peace. God rains down peace that passes understanding. Sometimes its found in places like Comic-Con or at a movie. When I realize that Jman and I can do things that families do with feeling like I need to compare my life to theirs.
I know God wants me to focus on us.
There are moments of clarity. God provides a clear path and knowledge of things I want to pursue. Like where we want to adopt from, I am supposed to go back to school. We might end up moving again. It sometimes seems out of left field but it clears out the other distracting voices.
I know God’s voice.
These past two years have been hard, and sad sometimes, but this is what God gave me. He wants me to be patient and fully rely on him and pray unceasingly. Look for opportunities to hear God’s voice. Breathe with God and walk with God. I’ve learned to listen, be open and trust God to provide for my wants.
Psalms 23: 4
Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,[a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
TTFN and God Bless you and Keep you