Guarding my emotions

 Good Morning how are you? Are you dragging yourself out of bed to get ready for the day? Or already on your third cup of coffee? Maybe you are heading into bed after working all night. Often times during my morning routine, it involves music. When I was a teenager, it was bands like Nsync, Barlow Girl, or Brittany Spears, something bumping enough to clear the cobwebs, but not loud enough to wake up my brother. I have been a music junky since I was a teenager, and I am the type to often listen to a song a million times till the people around me want to throw that song and the player it plays on. 

 Lately, my jam has been Homecoming Queen? By Kelsea Ballerini. This soulful ballad asks the question of why the homecoming queen doesn’t cry in front of others. Now, this year has been hard; there have been days that I paste on a brave face and go to work praying that I can find some happiness and not feel so alone or worst unworthy.  

 I don’t know when I became this person who doesn’t want others to see me cry, or allow people to see so deeply into my emotions. I think it is a sign of weakness. But I can’t tell you when I got this idea in my head. Somewhere along the line, I decided that this was how I should live my life. Suffering alone and quietly. 

 I could blame it on I’m a very private person, or that I’m an introvert, or that I don’t like to draw attention to myself. However, all of those things are just excuses. Somewhere I convinced myself that it was inappropriate to allow even close friends to see me cry. So I made a way around myself and guarding the doors were fandoms(because I don’t care if you know I like fandoms). 

 I thought when I started this blog that it would open the door into my soul, which it did, and most of the time, people who know me were able to ask the hard questions that I couldn’t vocalize. However, there were still people who didn’t read my blog and then asked the wrong questions, and my feelings were again hurt.

 I have been learning the only way to allow my hurting to be acknowledged is to verbally speak my emotions. It might be hard, and to others, it might appear weak; however, this is the only way for myself to grow. To be okay, verbalizing what I am feeling.  

 Another thing I’ve learned is I get to choose when I talk about my feelings. When I was going through cancer treatments, the best advice I was given was to treat my emotions and how much information I offer as an Atm. Some people were only given the necessary information, while others who were closer were given more information. This is something that I still use. I get to make the decision when people know what I am thinking or feeling. In the same way, I sometimes censor my blog.

 On my worst days, it would be easy to get on here and rant and rave about who has made me feel horrible about my self or when I struggle with how hard my life is right now. But I don’t because I believe an angry, loud voice is just a bitter, booming voice. An angry voice does nothing for being a positive presence in a dark world. An angry voice is not the salt of the earth or the light on a hill. God gave me a voice, but when I am mad, it is not a positive or productive voice. It is just a voice that demands attention. 

 Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.

Romans 12:2 

TTFN and God Bless and keep you. 

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