September is almost over, and I praise the Lord for that. I also start work again this week and are coming off the highs of a great vacation. However, some things have happened the past few weeks that have made me feel the brunt of limbo.
My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for over two years, we work and live in an expensive area, and money these past nine months have been tight. Now Jman and I have scraped by with less at times, but any thought of having testing done to find out if we can conceive has not our priority. Our priority has been paying rent, getting groceries, and getting gas. It also makes it hard to think about having kids.
There have been some moments of sadness, frustration, and the effect of calling out to God to have prayers be unanswered these past nine months, but there are also moments of joy. Like I said last week we were on vacation and we got to visit Star Wars Land at Disneyland. I have love Stars Wars since a teenager, and many of the fandoms that I love have gone away, or my tastes have changed, or they killed off my favorite character, and I walked away. Star Wars has remained constant. The details in this land were terrific; the character interactions were impressive; it was a joyful day of my brain that is usually overly attentive and annoying got to revel in being excessively vigilant. It was fun, and just the day I needed.
Recently a friend of mine announced she was expecting, as my heart was thrilled for this friend; however, I felt the familiar wave of sadness. I shared with my mom after the news of this pregnancy was shared that I knew, but I was not sharing because it’s not my story to tell. My mom, she called me brave. I didn’t feel brave. I felt like I was battening down the hatches and expecting a storm, and wading through sadness, hopelessness, and anger. However, to hear from my mom that I was brave, and when I didn’t feel brave felt as if the sky had opened up, and I felt the sunshine.
However, there have been other moments. Friends who love me and bring me a sandwich. Friends who take me, my husband, and my mom and my sister out to lunch because we all share a shared love for humanity and a special person. Friends who have their sweet little girl wish me a happy anniversary. My husband does everything he can to make sure I’m so glad. My favorite show came back. All those moments plus a hundred more make the storm of September seem less hurricane and more summer rain.
Limbo can feel like you are walking through a dark tunnel just trudging forward with no view of the sun. However, God continues sending moments of joy, even if that moment is just a smile when tears are falling from your eyes. A verse, a poem or helpful comment for fanfic that was written just to get the word out of my head. A gift that brings you a smile. Giving other people gifts. Beauty during the rain and during all of this limbo I never lose my faith. I don’t lose my faith because I know that God is faithful; God knows the wishes of my heart. He never gives me more than I can handle, and he is answering my prayers. Right now, that answer is waiting. Wait and trust, and keep looking for all the blessings that God sends my way. Even the smallest moment that are beacons of light that prove I am moving forward. Someday the tunnel will be a valley or a mountain, and I’ll be looking at the stars again.
I pray that your love will overflow more and more and that you will keep on growing in knowledge and understanding. For I want you to understand what really matters, so that you may live pure and blameless lives until the day of Christ’s return.
Danie with an E reflections 