Unspoken things I struggle with while trying to start a family
First, let me say that this post was placed on my heart by God this morning. I don’t know why, but it wouldn’t have been my first choice. Secondly, I hope this brings encouragement to others who are struggling with the same things. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for over two years and have not been successful. In that time I have had horrible days, beautiful days, and peaceful days. I have very supportive people in my life who are praying for us and are compassionate, and then there are the others who aren’t so, and they say what on their mind and give their opinion without knowing all the facts. My arms ache for my future children, my phone has a list of names that I hope someday I get to use that the only person who gets to know what they are is Jman. I have dreams about having a little one with their daddy’s eyes and my red hair and not wanting to wake up and face the reality of that not happening.
If instead of when.
I often find myself dwelling on it instead of whens. I usually start a conversation with Jman with the phrase if we have kids or if we get pregnant. If we had kids. So we choose to focus on when. When is hopeful and still leaves the door open.
I have days that I am angry.
My stormy days. When I had cancer, the angry day was like additional cancer trying to strangle the happiness out of my heart. My mad days in this season are the same way. I get mad at simple things like facebook friends posting pictures of their little ones. I get angry at God sometimes because my path seems so different. I get mad at myself because I feel like a failure and that all my dreams of being a mom are not happening. I get angry because I am a logical person and relate my choices to us no getting pregnant. I get mad when I feel weak and start crying over things like social media or walking by the baby section in Target. I get angry that I’m jealous of my friends because they have everything I want and then complain about getting no sleep.
I feel like a failure.
I feel like a failure. Now I wasn’t raised that having a family was the only way to be to live. It was never said, but I was raised in a loving, supportive family and of course, wanting the same things. However, some days, I feel like a failure.
Church and friendships are hard at times.
I love our church. It is a village that prays and supports. But it is also very family-focused, and there are times when it is hard to go and feel like my husband, and I are not enough as a family because we don’t have little ones. I pulled away from most of the friends that I have at church because I don’t want to feel the ache I feel when I watch them interact with their little ones. So I help out in the nursery more and love on the babies in there rather than sit through church.
Remembering to encourage us about how great of parents helps.
A few weeks ago we got to hang with friends who have a beautiful almost three-year-old. As we chatted with the daughter and our friends at one point, there was a point in the conversation when Jman mooed because we were talking about cows. Well, my friend pointed out how great of a daddy he would be. It did my heart good to hear from others that we would be good parents. What people don’t realize is that there are moments that we feel like we are not being blessed with children because we would be bad parents. Hearing a friend mentions something so causally reassured us.
It’s God timing.
I always have to remind myself that God is in charge, and he is the keeper of time. God’s plans are perfect. Even on my days when I am angry, God is still in charge. He knows the whole picture and understands what would be the best time.
Parents want the same thing.
Our parents want to be Grandparents. But most of them keep those wants to themselves because they are compassionate and loving and know how hard it is for us. When I have moments when I am honest with them, we have this beautiful moment of being broken together. And in those moments of brokenness comes strength.
Adopting is an option we are considering.
We have always considered adopting. We know that family goes much deeper than DNA. Family is something that you make, and God provides when a family isn’t enough. So adopting is something that both Jman and I are considering.
Vacations like Disney World was a balm.
I realized when visiting Disney World last week, it was a balm to my heart because a place geared toward kids it was never assumed that because we don’t have kids we were less critical than other guests. I watched families of all kinds come to the park and feel safe and have family time. It gave me hope that someday when I come with my children, they can be safe and explore Disney without judgment, racism, or preconceived perceptions about who they were.
Genesis 8: 10-12
10 After waiting another seven days, Noah rereleased the dove. 11 This time the dove returned to him in the evening with a fresh olive leaf in its beak. Then Noah knew that the floodwaters were almost gone. 12 He waited another seven days and then rereleased the dove. This time it did not come back.