100%

   We recently had to make a life decision, and this decision we supported with prayer, consulting with others and finally consulting our parents. We went through the pros and cons and looked at every scenario. We also went through the different stages of grief, anger, mourning, hurt and frustration. We argued with each other and I know I called out for God to bring peace. At the end of the day when we made our decision, there were moments of self-doubt.

   When it came time to let the world know of our decision, I sent a text to my parents now asking for prayers because we were filled with self-doubt and sadness. Our parents just directly sent back “If this is good for you I support you 100%” or “I support you 100%” and suddenly all our fears dissipated. It amazing how this immediately eased my concerns moving forward to live after this decision. I knew no matter what happened that this would not be hung over my head like a bad decision.

   Jman and I definition of support throughout our 8 years of marriage have changed a little bit. When we first were married, we thought it just meant allowing us to hang out at your house and eat your food because we had no money for groceries. Then when Cancer happened, it changed. Our support system changed. Friends who were close moved back as if we were too much to deal with and new people swooped in and checked in and carried us. After that, it was a hard time because we related our cancer and people experience every experience. Cancer took away our naivety, and we could see people for who they are. Some people wanted to help because that was their nature, others needed to check in to make themselves feel good. I had some great advice before I started my cancer treatments. Keep my emotions and feelings, and how much information as an atm. Where I get to decide how conversations went and how much information I give out. I think this was when I perfected the “I’m Okay!”

   I got to decide how much information and how much emotion I get to give. This knowledge also helped because of those who respected my decision to accept that I don’t want to talk about everything. Just being able to sit with me and have coffee relishing in the normalness for a few minutes I’m just a customer at a coffee shop.  And our friendship survived because of that support.

   However, the lack of support during my cancer journey often makes Jman, and I feel a little standoffish. Especially with close friends who we wished were would just ask if we were okay or just talk to us about what we felt.  Our trust in that friend got broken, and it will take a lot of time before that trust gets fixed.

   Now I realized that support goes two ways.  Especially this last year I haven’t been able to support friends as well I had hoped. Like the friend who complains about lack of sleep and complains about the struggles of motherhood and I listening and clenching my fist to keep the tears I know are welling from running down my cheeks. My brain would scream don’t hear, or how dare they talk to you about this when they know your struggles, or who do you think you are complaining to me. These thoughts would distract me from being a good friend, and even caused me to pull away because I couldn’t deal with them right now. This is me not being supportive and trying to protect myself. It’s wrong and not Jesus like.  My support was colored with jealousy.

   Support or not, the Bible still calls us to love our neighbor. So even if I have pulled away from someone, I still need to love them, still need to pray for them and still need to be kind to them. The Bible is very clear on this, Love, pray and helpful to others. So I need to remember to pray for them. And also remember how I felt when someone said to me that I support you 100%.

Matthew 22:36-40

36 “Teacher, which is the most important commandment in the law of Moses?”

37 Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’[a] 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b] 40 The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.”

TTFN and God Bless you and Keep you:)

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