Today is the last day of 2018 and as the trend is to reflect on the last year. It was placed on my heart to write about 2018. I mean early this morning before I was out of bed I was thinking about 2018. I will not say that 2018 was a great year. There were great moments but overall it was a year of growth and challenges.
I have to start at the end of last year. In September of 2017, the house we were renting, the owners decided to sell it. Making us look for an apartment. Jman and I found a place very close to my work and this began a year of standing on our own two feet in our own place. Before this, we were sharing a house, and living with family. This was the first step of independence since cancer treatments.
Our new apartment brought other challenges, such as budgeting.
I discovered I love to decorate in the way that makes me happy, so our style is geeky, Christian, lovers of words, and Disney. it makes me happy.
Independence brought forth a year of prayer, guidance, and tears, as Jman and I continue this journey on wanting to be parents and waiting for God’s timing. We continuously wrote on the prayers cards at church for guidance.
Our church elders prayed every week for guidance. And we were directed and guided. It caused Jman and me to evaluate our surroundings, our jobs, our friends, and our goals in life.
We surrounded us with our selves with people who stepped forward and walked with us sharing in our grief when our desires and wishes were not happening. At times I felt so isolated because the world was moving forward and I was stagnant. People were getting married and having babies and here was Jman and I waiting for our green light.
There were days in 2018 when I went to work, smiled and was nice to everyone even though I had a rough morning filled with tears, and anger.
Jman and I took the first step to ask some very hard questions. Were we not getting pregnant because I had cancer. The answer was no. But this simple answer leads to a lot of unknowns. This made me feel like I was walking through a dark valley with no view of the stars and or any light. I dug in and continued to pray and trust God. Continued to ask for guidance. Continued forward.
Jman and I found pockets of happiness this year, We went to comic con for the first time and had a blast. I met one of the artists for x-men evolution and had a day where it didn’t matter that Jman and I didn’t have kids. Jman and I also went to a lot of good movies this year and also went with friends to the movies. Jman and I had friends over to our tiny apartment all crammed on our tiny couch. We lead a bible study for families with special needs and in this community of supportive people. We heard God’s voice through others and found the path once again.
I made the decision to go back to school. This decision was not taken lightly but it was something that I made to help to better our future. I made this decision to help my family and help me. It will give me the chance to have a family or even the first step. Classes start January 7th.
We were given a van in September, it has been such a blessing. For over a year we were a single car family. Jman would take his lunches at work and drive halfway across town to make sure I was at work on time. Suddenly I had a car again, which meant I could go shopping on my own. I regained some of my independence.
There were tears, anytime someone asked us if we wanted children, when we were planning on having children. There was isolation at times when I felt like I was the only couple who didn’t have kids. There was anger and distrust sometimes when I felt like God was purposefully ignoring me. There was betrayal from loved ones who would ask not knowing about our struggles.
Then I found my voice. I started this blog. It became my soundboard, a place to process my feelings and emotions. It became a safe place for me to process what my busy days were like and how I felt about the world. And with that support, I discovered I wasn’t alone in my struggles. I had a community of people who were praying for me and eager to hear my opinions. I realized I mattered and that
2018 brought tears, anger, bitterness, over-processing, and 2018 brought beauty, laughter, support, family and finally strength. Strength to continue moving forward and continue in the dark valley. 2018 brought independence and love and more importantly I discovered that I can write and share my thoughts and feelings about life in a way that works for me.
Thank you for joining me on this journey.
I am the Lord, who opened a way through the waters, making a dry path through the sea. “But forget all that— it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.
Isaiah 43:16, 18-19 NLT
TTFN, Happy New Year, and God Bless and Keep you 🙂