Storms on the Horizon
There is a storm on the horizon. One with rain, sleet, and thunder, and lightning. One that will smother out my sunlight and bring a torrent of tears. I’ve seen it approach in its dark foreboding way and hovering on the horizon. It happens during the holiday season, starting with Halloween.
I starred it down hoping the winds blow it out, however, the rain bands come in torrents and far between. The first feeling of isolation looking at social media and cute Halloween costumes. Families sharing their family memories. I start to hear that voice in my head saying things like you and Jman are so different, your family doesn’t count as a family because you have no kids.
Then a moment of shopping at our local mall at the Disney store. We found a play set with a lot of figurines. We stopped and picked it up and the feeling of longing struck again. Wishing I had a little girl to bless with that set. Wishing I could continue the tradition of Disney Ornaments with a child of my own. Suddenly a normal trip for jeans and necessities makes me sad. I ignore the sad because sometimes acknowledging the sadness makes me feel weak and then makes Jman sad and then I feel even worst.
A baby dedication at church is bittersweet. I am overjoyed for the family but then another rain band comes through and I feel overwhelmed. Sadness and wishing come back. Also the questions of how will our future children’s dedication go.
This point the storm is no longer on the horizon. I have failed to ignore it and it swooped in and caught me off guard and all the wishes and prayers of starting a family, they have rushed back. I know that from previous years that the holiday seasons are the hardest for Jman and I. The holidays are family oriented. We are a family just with no kids. That makes us different but it doesn’t make the traditions less important.
How do I deal with an oncoming storm?
I first have to acknowledge that the storm is coming. If I keep it to myself then I am suffering in silence and then my suffering changes my reactions to things I get grumpy. I need to let Jman know when I see dark clouds on the horizon. He needs to know that I’m feeling nervous, or anxious. It betters prepares him and we are walking through life together and leaning on each other. I am still working on this. Because I don’t want to be a burden I keep things to myself but I strive to not have any secrets from Jman. Even if that means letting him know that a storm is coming.
I avoid things that steal my joy. It could be social media or youtube. If I find something is causing me to compare my life to others. This is wrong and even though I struggle with this daily. I know comparisons steal my joy. I strive to listen to my triggers and strive to not to stumble.
We have important traditions.
We buy ornaments every year. We try to go see the Christmas lights once. We make cinnamon rolls. We still go shopping and enjoy the season. With all those traditions we remember what the holiday season is actually about. Thankfulness, grace, family, and most importantly the birth of Jesus. Jesus paid the ultimate sacrifice and provided grace for us. Focusing on the Christian story of Christmas and Thanksgiving helps bring things into perspective.
We still do things that families do. Like going to the Zoo, or mall. Sometimes its hard but most of the time Jman and I still have fun. Life can’t be put on hold even though we don’t have children. We dream. And during those day trips, we have better conversations about what our hopes are for our future children.
Finally, Happiness is a choice. I’ve said this before, happiness is a choice. I choose to be happy, however, there are storms that roll in and try to steal my joy. I know this might happen but this doesn’t mean I don’t make a choice to stay positive. I also take time. If I’m having a particularly sad day. I wait out the rain and usually, the storm passes leaving behind a rainbow.
I believe rainbows are a promise from God. He originally told Noah that he would never flood the world again. I see a rainbow left behind after the torrent and I hear God’s voice say “Keep the faith beloved. Your season will come. I am not ignoring you.” I have the peace that passes understanding which only happens after a storm. God knows the plan and this is a season.
What do you do when there are storms on your horizon?
Genesis 9: 12-16
And God said, “This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come: 13 I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. 14 Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, 15 I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life. 16 Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth.”
TTFN and God Bless and Keep You.